Introduction

Prof Dr Hille Haker is Professor at Loyola University in Chicago. When Dr Christine Blasey Ford gave her public testimony in the US Senate that Brett Kavanaugh had attempted to rape her during her college days (September-October 2018), Hille empathised very much because she herself had undergone a similar ordeal as a high school student. Years later she married and gave birth to her daughter who, in spite of being born three months early, survived to become a healthy person. The cycle of violence, however, continues in her life, too, as it does in so many other women’s life.

Hille expresses her own experience in the following poem – her pain, anguish, confusion, shame, fear of rejection. The poem evokes, responds to, and shifts the meanings of the Psalm of Lament “De Profundis” – “From the depths I cry” (Ps 129/130), the Song of Hannah (1 Sam 2,1-10) after the birth of her child, Samuel, that inspired the Magnificat of Mary, the mother of Jesus of Nazareth (Luke 1,46-55), and Christ’s response to Mary Magdalene in the first appearance after resurrection: “Noli me tangere” or: “don’t touch me” (John 20,17). She has dedicated the poem to Christine Blasey Ford.

For Christine Blasey

I. IN THE DARKNESS OF THE NIGHT

In the darkness of the night
I thought I would scream
I would howl
I would push
I would hit I would bite I would scream
I would act I would do
something
nothing

Silence.

His breath in my
Face
fumbling
hands
drunk
so fucking
drunk

Silence.

My head bursting
My heart stopping
I thought I was
Safe

In the darkness of the night
I do not scream

Silence

Breathing
Bursting darkness
Scream silence
Leave
NOW

The Door
Silent
Walk blood bursting through my brain
My broken heart

Silent
Walk silent
Crawl on your feet
And your hands

The other Door
The key turn the key turn the key
Silence

Silence
Wait
Sit
Blood
Bursting through my brain
My broken heart

Silence
Wait
In the darkness of the night

A door opens
And then another

Silence
Wait

Beating
Heart
my broken heart

Walk
On your feet crawl
On your feet and on your hands
In the darkness of the night
You have become an animal
Human animal
Woman animal
The man is the master
Not in his house
Still the master

In the darkness of the night
My tongue got stuck
I could not speak
My heart got broken
It could not beat
My brain
Just so you know
My brain
Remained intact:
I do remember

I don’t remember
How I survived
I could not speak
I could not scream
My brain intact
I don’t remember
I fell asleep
I don’t remember
I woke up
I don’t remember

I do remember

Grow up
there is more
To come
There is always more
to come

MANPOWER
The man from manpower
Man
Power

Truck driver taxi driver train rider doctor
Nobody like the priest

II. BERESHIT BARA ELOHIM

My brain intact
My body intact
I am not broken
I try to forget
My soul has hoped
Rejoice
I am in good hope
My body carries a child!

My child
My child
My beloved child

My body
cannot carry a child
My body
half-broken
half-intact
My body
conceives
My child
As a threat

My child
Is born
Half-dead
Half-alive

Bereshit bara Elohim
The sound of alarm
Tohuwabohu
The sound of alarm
The sound of alarm
Keeps you alive

I am here
Beloved
You cannot hear my heartbeat
You cannot swallow my milk
Hinneni
You can
You can
breathe

Hear
My voice
I sing
I will sing
With my broken voice
With my broken heart
Against the sound of alarm
I will sing

I will sing
I will sing you
Into life
I will sing
Until you breathe
And breathe
And breathe
Amazing
Grace
Amazing
Grace

III. HINNENI

Beloved
From morning to night
You shine
You walk
You speak
You sing
You dance
You live
Beloved
My soul has hoped
You have responded

Grow up
There is more
to come
There is always more
to come

In the darkness of the night

The sound of alarm
You call
I hear you

Silence
Heart
breaking
Blood
Bursting
through
brain

Don’t

Don’t

Elohim
Where are You
Stop the time
Rewind
Undo
Tohuwabohu

Don’t
Tell me

I know already
What you will say

My God
My God

Speak to me
Beloved
Hinneni

You I hear
You I hear
You I hold
You I hold
I am here. Here I am
Speak to me
You I hear
I hear you say

He would have killed me
Otherwise

IV. DE PROFUNDIS

I have cried to thee.

I have cried to thee
Out of the depth
Speak to me
I have cried to thee

Hear my voice
I hear you
Hold me
I have cried to thee
noli me tangere

My soul has hoped
From morning to night
Let me hope
Speak to me
Hear my voice
My soul

Beloved
Don’t
I know
I know already

De profundis
In the darkness of the night

My life
Your life
Broken
Song
Silence
Speak to me
Hear my broken voice

My soul has hoped
From morning to night
I have cried to thee

Hold my hand
Touch me
Raise me
From the dust
Raise me
From the ashes
Out of the depth
I have cried to thee
My soul has hoped

Silence

Noli me tangere

Beloved
Me you can touch
I hold you
Breathe
I sing for you
For you I will forever sing
My broken voice
My song
I cry to thee
De profundis

V. AFTERMATH MATH

 One says
You were lucky

Two say
there is nothing they can do

Three say
You need to forget

Four say
It does not matter

Five
Hide in the light of day

Six help

Seven weep

Eight stand by you

One remembers
One never forgets

VI. OUR SISTER’S SONG

 YOU break the power of the mighty
YOU raise the poor from the dust,
YOU raise the needy from the ashes
YOU offer them the seat of honor
YOU guard the feet of the ones who believe

The wicked shall be abandoned in darkness
Power will not prevail

VII. JUSTICE IN AMERICA

Grow up
Shame
She is mixed up
Corroboration
No corroboration
We believe her
Shame
She has destroyed
His honor
We believe him
Shame
One beer, she knows she had one beer
She does not remember
Shame

He refutes
He lies
Shame
His honor

Drunk
Blackout
No blackout
He was often drunk
So
Shame
Belligerent
Shame
So
Drunk

July 1st, 1982
The calendar
His honor
Her shame
They believe her
They do not care
Shame
Shame

Hear me
Look at me

It’s the mob
Paid by George Soros
It’s a

Shame

Justice in America
Goes by a Name
Tell me

Who is the justice
In America?
Bart Kavanaugh
Is the justice in America!

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
no

The Devil laughs
He cannot stop
Laughing
At
US

VIII. SISTERS SING

We
Believe
You

YOU guard the feet of the ones who believe

We
Will never
Forget

YOU raise the poor from the dust,
YOU raise the needy from the ashes
YOU offer them the seat of honor

We will sing
Our broken
Songs

On this Day
We will
Break the silence

On this Day
We will Scream

YOU break the power of the mighty
The wicked shall be abandoned in darkness

On this Day
Maybe today
Will be the day
Power will not prevail

For
We
Are Sisters

And we

Will rise
Hille Haker  – October 6, 2018